Thursday, October 18, 2012

Satisfaction..Would It Be Energy?

I remember when I used to write this blog in the beginning, I would always write the funny, the frustrating and the insanity that truly comes from having kids at the same developmental age..AKA..twins. I have always been real, not fluffy but hey this is who we are. This is our life. Well, our life is changing ALOT.
Ken has started his new Medical Real Estate Firm,boys are in school everyday, I have work, a household to manage and of course the continuous role of shaping my children's way of thinking. A few Sunday's ago was my "insane" day- literally. I have one of these days about every 2-3 months. Yes insane, when I took a big breath and out came the wicked witch of the west or maybe even the exorcist. Thankfully, I used to be a therapist and have had enough counseling in my life to first say to Ken..."Can I just vent and its going to be a LONG one AND I don't want you to fix it, I just need to get it off my chest loudly".  He knows what that means now after 12 years. So he intently looked at me with his hands crossed and said, "Sure, but  you know I like to fix things". Me:"Don't fix things just let me get it off my chest". 
It was probably the best thing I did for myself after 3 months of trying to balance everything at home, helping our businesses and of course by precious boys (including daddy).  Finally, after I was done pacing the room, hands up and down, talking passionately, I just looked at him and said the words I knew was the problem the whole time...."Do I suck as a stay at home mom"? Not meaning suck like a bad parent because I know I am a good parent but suck like I can't keep up with balancing it and having energy. I don't get frustrated as much with the kids and I know my heart is full with satisfaction and enjoyment with our life, I love where we are at but the part I am OVER that has to with energy.  I don't fantasize about having a bigger house or nicer cars - I feel so blessed to have this beautiful home and I love our vehicles, I don't fantasize about making it up the corporate ladder or status - I love my little business so I can be with the boys.  What I don't have anymore is energy! I literally dream of it. LITERALLY! That is where my vent and grumpiness came from.  Because in my "little brain" I thought I would be able to physically get more done over the weekend. The question do I suck as a mom. Well, that comes from seeing all the mom's who have bounds of energy and can get so much more done than I can in a typical day. However, I know everyone has there limits and sacrifices they make so that is step one. Not trying to compare my energy levels with women between 28-34. My hormones are drastically changing at 40, my energy is not like it was even 5 years ago, and I was DX with Fibromyalgia and that plays a part in it.  Trust me this isn't a pity party.  I love it when my friends close to my age complain about the exhaustion, not because I want them to be tired but because I don't feel like it's just me.
Now that the boys are in school, I have had countless number of people say, " must love the break, you must be getting so much done, you must feel so rested, do you go to the pool, you must just love it".   Yeah realty check people. Please don't say that to me. I guess during my vent session I was thinking, I just don't want the boys to be cursed with this sleeping feeling/exhaustion I have always had since I was 18. It sucks. P.E.R.I.O.D
Okay.. reality check. I vented. It is over. Being a fabulous Mama is work that never ends. 
Now on to satisfaction. After my venting session was over with and figuring the yard was my trigger point because the backyard looks like the "Adams Family" with the weeds in my garden of doom. I have excepted it is going to take time unless I get someone, a teenager to help me catch up on the weeds because honestly, staying at home with the boys IS MY JOB. My resume business IS MY JOB and helping my husbands company IS MY how do I squeeze in the yard which I passionately love to be out there working and creating my fabulous flower garden.  It's like I feel so satisfied, then I look out the back yard and it throws me for a loop. Something so little. Thankfully, I can honestly say I am satisfied on the bigger things in life.  One of the things I want my boys to grow up with(other than energy) is the value of satisfaction of where they are in life. Take what I mentioned above as an example. God blessed me with all these wonderful things in my life, then I am faced with this lack of energy but somehow I have for the most part remained satisfied in the present. Except for that Sunday, on my typical 3 month hormonal vent. I think the key is being in the present and "trying" to enjoy it. Weeds or no weeds. Energy...well that will take time. Hormones, I will address that one day at a time, same as my fibromyalgia.  As I grow and get older, I see the importance of that. But it is hard to be present when you feel like the grim ripper sucked your energy out of you. But like the Yo-Gabba -Gabba Song "Keep Trying, Keep Trying, Don't Give up..Don't Give Up". Its one of our household songs.
Dreams are fabulous and I encourage it, we embrace it in this house in fact. Staying home with the boys has been one of those things fabulous dreams we made work . Yes, we were initially terrified because I probably needed to have a full time salary, I had to cut down on alot and we made a ton of sacrifices but thankfully I was able to mold a small business that has allowed me to be with them. I will always hold that dear to my heart that I got to share all the insanity moments with them and still do. Like sitting down at lunch last week. Looking into those sweet eyes as they both talked non-stop about who they played with at school, who they sat next too.  I  just looked at them in mid sentence as I was about to get frustrated that they were not eating, I just took a breath and thought how lucky and blessed am I. I gazed out the window and saw the weeds in the yard but then I looked at them and had an overwhelming feeling a gratitude again. Of course, I did end up telling them 100X to eat, there was no escaping that but I did it with a smile instead of my grump face.  Or this week, Nicolas has the flu and I didn't worry about having to be anywhere but here with him. Yes, I am stir crazy right now being trapped in a germ fest with no break but I am here. I have to keep reminding myself of that or my vent session might come out! 
When the boys were born, I quickly learned I had to let go of chasing material things or the thought "If only these things would change" I knew if I didn't, well..I would miss out . I can honestly say, the first few months of their life was insane, crazy and a blur and I did have those thoughts of "I just wish...I had more help, I wish I could sleep, I wish two babies weren't screaming at me at once, I wish they wouldnt go in two different directions" but I finally let that go.  What my goal is now, is to demonstrate to the boys and have them learn a lesson that took me years (still a process) :  Okay..are we satisfied and happy when we look at the big picture and if not, what do we do to change this. This is what I want for the boys.  More than anything. I want them to be present, to be satisfied , yet have dreams without CHASING. CHASING. CHASING to the point they are unfilled.

My girlfriend said something pretty enlightening to me which holds so true. To help your children have a successful journey in life you have to "Fill Their Cups" full. Full enough so that there is no room for others to fill it with garbage and to fill it with love so that their little brains learn not to allow what others say if negative to affect who they are as a person, and to not especially self doubt themselves.

Now, this is not to say that there is a way to mold your kids to have a perfect life. NOWAY.  It is more about learning to teach our kids how to handle things when life throws them negative circumstances and they can talk about it openly without shame, guilt and feel confident. Things we have learned throughout our life (although some of mine I definately do not want them to know). One way that I think we can fill their cup of love is by listening to them, trying to understand their needs, be present for them, ask questions and help them process things when life does through them a ball of obstacles. Like we already had to help them with so many things these past 4 years (including a fight between them over who's girlfriend it was..yes at 4 1/2) . Just like in my vent session this weekend. I asked Ken to just be present and just listen, just let  me vent and be understood. Well, as a parent you know this is hard to do all the time when you have little kids. They can suck the life out of you in a flash. In a  moments notice -purely drain your cup but if you practice and remember this age is so precious and keep practicing it, get that sweet thought in there, it does get easier. It's not easy but you can be present. Like my continious goal of not checking my phone for text or emails or facebook when they are in my presence. It still is hard and Ken busts me all the time standing in the laundry room or squating behind the cabinet to see what just "DINGED" on my phone. I try to never be on the phone when I pick them up from school or on the way there. I try SO HARD not to ever do this unless I have to catch someone that I need to let know something of relevance. As my friends have all heard my line, "I'm bringing kids in- call you back in a few".
I am working on to "fill my cup" and to teach the boys. To keep their cup filled so that if or when someone makes a dig at them later in life, they know that it isn't about them, it must be something that person is going through.  

I know so many people who chase that money, who chase power, chase what people will think of them, chase status but still deep inside are never satisfied. In all honesty...we all chase something at some point in our life. I chase the dream of a lawn person...just joking, I used to chase a dream of stability. For many reasons. I have continually worked on this but now I know how to stop when that wicked thought creeps in and say..lets just be real. And if something triggers like my weeds in the backyard, I have to acknowledge it and every few months have to have a good 'ol vent. But I have learned, to stop and say..what is important right now, what is satisfying my soul.

One cool thing.....where I said above that I want to "fill the boys cup so full, enough so that there is no room for their filters in their brain to shut down and allow what others say something negative to them..for them to self doubt themselves". We are doing it.  I am slowly seeing the results of our efforts in small, suddle ways.
I saw it in a small, very kind gesture from Christian. We have taught them that when they are on a playground, make sure you ask the kids first if they want to play "Super Heros" with you before you go roaring and growling in there face. Which they tend to do.  I also shared with them, please don't take it personal if they say no. That just means they don't want  play it or with you. It's not a big deal, it would be like if you didn't want to sit down and play legos in the middle of a park. They got it. Well, Friday I saw Christian running after his girlfriend. She turned and said "Christian, I don't want to play that now. Stop."  He just simply said "Okay" and smiled and went off running with the other kids.
Her mom sat there with her mouth open and said.."Jody did you see that"? 
Me: What? 
Her: She just asked Christian to stop and he just said okay and was still happy not getting his way". 
My heart soared.  So screw these darn weeds in my boys are satisfied and showing signs of gaining continually love and confidence. This is where I want to be - right now in the moment.